Sheila is still angry about this morning. The fact that Dave knew he hurt her but refuses to apologize makes it even more difficult for her to comprehend.
She slid under her bed cover, picked up her Bible, and began to flip through it. She knew her body wanted his, but just maybe, if he apologized and held her in the process, something magical might happen tonight and help them have a good sleep.
She could hear him approach the bedroom. She quickly pretended she was very much into her Bible reading. He strolled in, looked at her, put his phone on the dresser, took another look at her, removed his top and bottom. Dave has always loved to go to bed in a state of undress. Sheila stole a glance but ignored what her body was telling her.
“Did you remember to take out the trash?” she asked.
“Nope, did you?” he returned.
“What’s that supposed to mean? Since when did I start taking out the trash, Dave?”
“I will take it out tomorrow; I am worn out,” said Dave.
“No, no, please do it tonight.”
“I am tired, plus I am already in the raw and ready to sleep,” he said, climbing into bed.
“This is not fair. You always do this. You know what to do, but refuse to do them. And you don’t care what your actions do to other people,” Sheila said as she closed her Bible and returned it to the dresser.
“Is this about the trash or something else?” Dave asked, covering himself with the bed covers, as he glanced back at her and noticed she had his favorite lingerie on.
“It’s about the trash,” she retorted.
“Then why didn’t you remember to ask me about the trash before I started to remove my clothes? See, I am already in bed. I will take it out tomorrow. What’s the difference, anyway?”
“Well, I don’t like leaving all that rubbish in the house overnight. I would think I have said that a thousand times before now.”
“Then you should have taken it out before coming to bed yourself.”
“See how mean you can be with words, and you do not even know how to apologize to people when you hurt them. It is wrong, Dave, very wrong to treat people this way,” she said, wondering how to truly get to him.
“You just can’t help yourself, can you?” he said irritably, unable to understand why she couldn’t see that he had had a very busy day and needed this rest finally.
Getting up angrily, he picked up his pillow and started to walk out of the bedroom.
“Yeah, go ahead, go to the guest room. Enjoy your sleep. I try to tell you the truth, and I end up being treated like vermin,” she screamed. He looked back for a while, then moved his dark, muscled, nude body on, and he was gone.
Sheila started to sob. “He is so insensitive, monstrous, wicked. I can’t believe Dave has become this person.”
MARRIAGE IS LIKE THE STOCK MARKET
Yes, most times, marriage can be like the stock market. Like a roller coaster ride—up and down. Maybe happy today, exciting next, but sad and disappointing at another time. Depending on the people involved, depending on their willingness to learn, to sustain daily lessons and gains, and apply them when needed.
When we do not invest ourselves enough in our union, it may become difficult for our spouse to love the one person they chose forever with.
You will annoy your mate, for sure, and they may annoy you too. In an intimate relationship such as marriage, we largely depend on our mate to meet some emotional and psychological needs. And so, it is in marriage, for instance, that we are easily triggered. And so again, depending on what you do with your anger, you may be reading your spouse void of accuracy.
Feeling hurt by your mate may push you to presume they did whatever it is deliberately, and you want to let them have it too.
Sheila had been hurt and expected an apology, but she didn’t communicate it. She assumed Dave should know, on his own, come to her, apologize, and maybe hug her in the process, and they end up making love. She was ready to forgive as far as an apology was tendered. But her inability to communicate her feelings ended up in her being even more hurt and disappointed because she already had expectations.
Dave is tired, had a hectic day, and only wanted to sleep. He had his ritual—going naked before bed—and he had done that. He wasn’t ready to put his clothes back on and go pick up the trash. He, without really communicating well, expected his wife to understand all he had been through that day. He also had expectations.
Because of time and space, I will try to be brief.
While they were both mainly focused on using their attitude and words to control each other, Sheila, for instance, was subtly shaming him and trying to make him feel guilty so he could come around and do what she expected of him. But, in retaliation, he defended himself and ended up leaving the room. That action or inaction was so she would stop her act and let him be because he thinks once she knows that behaving like she just did can make him leave her alone in bed, she may begin to behave the way he wants her to.
6 THINGS TO TAKE NOTE OF…
- Difficult but simple is to know when we are triggered to anger and initiate self-regulation.
We can be angry, feel frustrated about our mate’s behavior, and still be mature, kind, and direct in our response. That you are angry now does not mean you stopped loving them. Learn to take care of your anger in a more constructive manner. - It won’t be bad to remember at all times that we are a team and should have our spouse’s interest at heart.
At the end of the day, we are heading towards the same goal as a team—to win together. - We may also learn to stop taking things personally.
I spoke about this on Sunday at a meeting. The fact that we need to start refusing to personalize our spouse’s criticisms of us. I discussed that for many marriages, as they grow, they get to that point of not taking things personally. But it sure will be good to learn this quickly enough. - Apologize, apologize, and apologize.
Learn to give an apology when your behavior hurts your spouse. Do not always wait to understand why your partner is hurt before you say sorry. Do not wait to feel guilty! - Worthy to also note is that you are married to an imperfect mate.
They may occasionally piss you off. They are humans and will stumble, just like you are only human too. Trust me when I say if you marry yourself, you would have issues with you too. - Lastly, avoid overthinking their weaknesses, the mistakes they uttered.
It doesn’t help your strive to forgive and forget.
