When Loving Your Mate Becomes Difficult - Marriage Counselling Expert

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DIFFICULTY IN LOVING YOUR MATE

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Sheila is still angry about this morning, the fact that Dave knew he hurt her but refuses to apologize makes it even difficult for her to comprehend.

She slide under her bed cover, picked up her bible as she sat, she began to flip through.

She knew her body wanted his, but just maybe, if he apologized, and held her in the process.

Something magical may happen tonight and help them have a good sleep.

She could hear him approach the bedroom, she quickly pretended she was very much into her bible reading.

He strolled in, looked at her, put his phone on the dresser. Took another look at her, removed his top and bottom.

Dave has always loved to go to bed in a state of undress, Sheila stoles a glance but ignored what her body was telling her.

“Did you remember to take out the trash?” She asked.

“Nope, did you?” He returned.

“What’s that supposed to mean? Since when did I start taking out the trash, Dave?

‘I will take it out tomorrow, I am worn out,’ said Dave.

‘No, no, please do it tonight.’

‘I am tired, plus I am already in the raw and ready to sleep.’ He said, climbing the bed.

‘This is not fair, you always do this, you know what to do, but refuse to do them. And you don’t care what your actions do to other people.’ Sheila said as she closed her bible and returned it to the dresser.

‘Is this about the trash or something else?’ Dave asked covering himself with the bed covers, as he glanced back at her, and noticed she had his favorite lingerie of hers on.

‘It’s about the trash,’ she retorted.

‘Then why didn’t you remember to ask me about the trash before I started to remove my clothes? See, I am already in bed. I will take it out tomorrow, what’s the difference, anyways? ‘

‘Well I don’t like leaving all that rubbish in the house over night, I would think I have said that too, a thousand times before now.’

‘Then you should have taken it out before coming to bed, yourself.’

‘See how mean you can be with words, and you do not even know how to apologize to people when you hurt them. It is wrong Dave, very wrong to treat people this way.’ She said wondering how to truly get to him.

‘You just can’t help yourself, can you?’ He said irritably, unable to understand why she can’t see that he had had a very busy day and needed this rest finally.

Getting up angrily, he picked his pillow and started to walk out the bedroom.

‘Yeah, go ahead, go to the guest room. Enjoy your sleep, I try to tell you the truth and I end up being treated like vermin.’ She screamed, he looked back a while, then he moved his dark muscled nude body on, and he’s gone.

Sheila starts to sob, ‘he is so insensitive, monstrous, wicked, I can’t believe Dave have become this person.’

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MARRIAGE IS LIKE THE STOCK MARKET

Yes, most times marriage can be like the stock market.

Like a roller coaster ride, up and down. May be happy today, exciting next but sad and disappointing at another time. Depending on the people involved, depending on their willingness to learn. To sustain daily lessons, and gains and apply when needed.

When we do not invest ourselves enough in our union, it may become difficult for our spouse to love the one person they chose forever with.

You will annoy your mate, for sure, and they may annoy you too. In an intimate relationship such as marriage, we largely depend on our mate to meet some emotional and psychological needs.

And so it is in marriage for instance that we are easily triggered. And so again, depending on what you do with your anger, you may be reading your spouse void of accuracy.

Feeling hurt by your mate, may push you to presume they did whatever it is, deliberately and you want to let them have it too.

Sheila had been hurt and expected an apology but she didn’t communicate it. She assumed Dave should know, on his own come to her, apologize. And maybe hug her in the process and they end up making love. She was ready to forgive as far as an apology is tendered. But her inability to communicate her feelings ended up in her being even more hurt and disappointed.

Because she already had expectations.

Dave is tired, had a hectic day and only wanted to sleep. He had his ritual, going naked before bed and he had done that, he wasn’t ready to put on his clothes back on and go pick up the trash. He, without really communicating well, expected his wife to understand all he had been through that day.

He also had expectations.

Because of time and space, I will try to be brief.

While they were both mainly focused on using their attitude and words to control each other. Sheila for instance was subtly shaming him and trying to make him feel guilty so he can come around and do what she expected of him.

But, in retaliation, he defends himself and ended up leaving the room, that action or inaction was so she stops her act and let him be.

Because he thinks once she knows that behaving like she just did can make him leave her alone in bed. She may begin to behave the way he wants her to.

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6 THINGS TO TAKE NOTE OF…

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Difficult but simple is to know when we are triggered to anger, and initiate self regulation.

We can be angry, feel frustrated about our mate’s behavior and still be mature, kind and direct in our response. That you are angry now, does not mean you stopped loving them.

Learn to take care of your anger in a more constructive manner.